I am King, Liepaja be my Dominion

Sometimes I feel like Jerry Seinfeld in that episode where Kramer proclaims him to be "Even Steven", because everything pretty much works out for him, neither really gaining but not losing anything either. I've decided that that is me, but I think my lows are a little blacker and my peaks are a bit whiter, evening out to the nice greyscale you all recognize as Rod.

While filing my report this morning in the 90 degree Internets Kafejica, I found myself laughing out loud at some of the responses/emails I've been getting (thank you, and i mean that, no really). I guess my laughter was in English (don't ask me) because the Eastern Eurosecretariat sitting next to me needed something translated for her. Backstory: During the afternoon, internet cafes all across the FSU (former Soviet Union)are filled with women who try to use their beauty to electronikally hook Western gentleman into "sponsorship". It is interesting to watch them juggle ten to twelve men and they are not the least shy about it.

So after helping her out with some idiomatic phrases this dumbass Tennessean was using (like "down on the farm"), she asked me where I was staying. It was early in the morning still and I didn't really want to repeat my detention at the Hotel Brize (which turns out unshockingly to be directly opposite the historical Latvian equivalent of Guantanamo Bay), so I replied that I was probably staying across the street at Hotel Rive. She said "No, I have better place." Being an American and inherently knowing that such offers probably entail me dressing as Little Bo Peep at some point, I verbally hesitated. But she insisted and said "Nice apartment, 20 meters, 15 Lats. Come, I show you."

And it was, and is, literally 20 meters away, a couple of apartments above a DHL delivery/shoe store where she was the manager. She could see the skepticism on my face and said "You nice guy, nice smile, you help me, I help you." So she showed me this beautiful and enormous place, uncharted in any of the touristy documentation I've garnered, with two twiggy cleaning girls vacuuming and dusting, and it was/is magnificent! Air conditioning (hello!), showers that actually drain, a stove/fridge in case I find edible food, towels that actually wrap around, and so close to the internet cafe! Now, because of my above average teeth and propensity to smile like a dumbass when meeting new people, I shall live like royalty, ruling over Liepaja with a velvetty iron glove, for $15/night.

And, as I am now truly drunk with power, I plan to send my minions on a pillaging campaign on Droga's, the nearby drugstore. Anon! Thy king needeth Nutella and foot bandages!