The Greatest Latvian Song of All Time

Most Americans are unaware of the stringent requirements we have for our visas for visitors from abroad. The paperwork is enormous and the visa itself peculiarly expensive. In response, many countries have in turn amped up their requirements -- out of spite -- and border guards seem to go out of their way to hassle Americans.

Julija, my Baltic princess and bureaucracy smasher, arranged my 30-day Belaruss visa starting July 16 - but my bus was due to cross into Belarus at 11:30 pm. Yes, that 30 minutes matters and the flatheaded border goons would have certainly flicked me off the bus and into some Latvian haystack. It only took one run-in with a massive group of testerone-charged laddies from England to tell me that I needed to get the hell out of Riga and get back to Liepaja.

Deciding that this 20-hour sunlight was wreaking havoc on the old circadian rhythm disorder, I opted to seek anesthetic in the form of Latvia's national drink, Balzams. Mixed with Blackberry juice, some lemon and a bit of vodka, it is exquisitely good. Liepaja has a giant club called Latvia's First Rock Cafe that is pretty cool and quite beautiful.

I soon befriended two lawyers from Riga, Toms and Patrics (all male names get an "s" tagged on the end for some reason). Toms was wearing a Detroit shirt but had no idea what it meant and I'm not sure he quite understood my explanation. Before long my American accent attracted more curious Latvians and at some point (my internal time gauge is now out of whack, especially in the haze of blackberry Balzams) we all end up downstairs at Pablo's, the danceteria downstairs. The music is entirely American and British and somewhat inappropriate for the glammy atmosphere. Latvian scenesters, dressed in some pretty outlandishly small outfits, dancing to "Achy Breaky Heart", followed soon thereafter by Metallica?! Then three seconds into what sounded like Latvian rap all the girls in the club ran to the center of the dancefloor, embraced in a circle, shook different body parts as the MC counted them down and, at the end, pulled up their tops and flashed all the men in the room.

Memo to myself: Find a copy of this song!!!