Thwacked by Lactose Goons

Most adults in the world, after the so-called "weaning period", have lost the ability to effectively digest milk sugar as the body produces increasingly less lactase, the enzyme necessary for proper metabolization. Some degree of lactose intolerance, carrying symptoms of excess gas production and diarrhea, will likely be experienced by adults, unless of course one carries that Northern European derived mutation on chromosome-2.

Which. I. Clearly. Do. Not. Have.

Feeling like my small intestines have been wringed tightly around the mangle that once served as my colon, I am desperate for a male version of Pamprin [Manprin?], anything to relieve these sweat-inducing man-cramps that besiege me. So explosive was the result of last night's eating of pizza at il Patio that I could not even make it onto the Yekaterinburg-bound train today, the very image of my clammy carcass spending all day and night on the rolling commode that opens directly to the tracks below making me dither with dread.

The exquisite violence erupting inside my gastrointestinal tract tells me that Yekaterinburg is now one, perhaps two more days away.